


Arson and How Not to Use It

by lovelyirony



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Criminals, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, anyways yeah tony turns to arson surprisingly quickly, bucky wants 2 know why, quite frankly i don't know why you'd need an answer, they are good but so so dumb, you burn something! disappear!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26674921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelyirony/pseuds/lovelyirony
Summary: Pepper thinks Tony is God’s Given Idiot.Arson probably would have been the better choice. It’s not like the building didn’t have insurance, and it’s not like the fire would have lasted for that long.Instead, Tony has decided to make himself internationally known and request a meeting with the guy who could have ended his career, and still could if he talked to the right people.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark
Comments: 8
Kudos: 71





	Arson and How Not to Use It

**Author's Note:**

> essentially i hope you all enjoy this and have a good day/night! remember you are loved beyond measure!

England wasn’t necessarily Tony’s favorite place to be. For one thing, Pepper always asked for some sort of collection of Burberry scarves, and Tony would rather die than step foot in a store, but Pepper is the one who makes sure he gets out of countries and into countries as discreetly as possible.

For another, England usually means either expensive art or expensive jewelry, and art is a _bitch_ to get out of an event if you haven’t worked up a back story for the last year, and jewelry is...well. People are bound to notice if it’s famous enough.

This go-round, it’s art. A rare miniature of a high-society woman, someone Tony doesn’t at all care about. He has a buyer from the middle of nowhere Montana, and he’s not sure why a cowboy from Montana cares about this so much, but he offered a pretty steep salary for Tony, so here he is.

The thing is this: Tony Stark is not known as a thief. No. He is known as a reclusive billionaire who only comes out of his house, like, once a year to mourn his parents.

Except he doesn’t do that, that’s just the yearly walk that he lets them notice and take pictures of.

Anthony Carbonell is known as an elusive thief who likes to make fun of every single agent of any organization that attempts to track him or the works that he’s stolen. It’s cute, honestly.

Agent James Barnes is the newest hire at SHIELD Protection, which moonlights as an insurance agency.

His newest job is one that no one else has managed to complete: capture Anthony Carbonell, and protect the newest artwork.

It’s sending him to England. He has to wear a suit and everything, and he’s not exactly excited about it.

All they know is that he’s dark-haired, is shorter than six feet, and has a penchant for playing practical jokes on the agents when they end up not capturing him.

-

Barnes touches down in England, follows one of their British agents to a safe-house, and gets out the tuxedo.

God help this night.

-

Tony usually isn’t thrown for a loop when it comes to guests at high society auctions. Most everyone is publicly known, or at least known when they should be known.

There’s a new man in town.

Tony can’t deny that he has the nicest looks he’s ever seen. A jaw that won’t quit, eyes that seem to observe everything, and a tasteful bun drawn at the back of his head. He also fills out a tuxedo quite nicely.

Something about him screams danger. Tony smiles to himself in his cocktail; he’ll keep his eyes on that man, so far as everything goes to plan.

-

Bucky can feel eyes on him, but he can’t tell if it’s because he’s technically new to all of this, or if it’s because Anthony is here and he already knows.

He wasn’t stupid. He knew as soon as he walked in that Anthony would be here, and he would be aware. But he’s not really going to focus on the people milling about. He sticks close to the miniature, observing the security measures.

Or lack of.

The security measures are barely there. If Bucky could cause a distraction in the room, or maybe pull a fire alarm, he could easily abscond with it.

He assumes that’s why the band is in another room. He had read the reports that Clint had managed to nick; the band was supposed to be playing in the room, but an anonymous guest had suggested that the acoustics were better in a room adjacent.

He’s pretty sure that Anthony had recommended that, wherever he was. It’s not like any of the rich people would have had common sense enough to call ahead and ask about the placement of the band, and take into account the arch of the room with the acoustics of a violin.

It’s smart, honestly. Everyone is dancing, they want to notice what other people are wearing so that they can either discreetly copy them later or make a laughing stock of them in about six minutes, give or take, and no one will notice if someone who wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place slips out.

He’s not _exactly_ wrong.

But Tony has been working for an exclusive catering company for two months. Very fun stuff. He learned that he will never want to eat another crab cake again, and he learned how to improvise descriptions for food that is essentially chicken fingers and ketchup.

Barnes is looking for someone who looks like they fit in. And Tony does, just...not in the way that he actually knows how to do.

If he was high society, he’d be recognized immediately; everyone still knows how Howard smiled, how Maria moved around the room with the practiced grace of someone raised to be a fun little accessory on your arm.

Tony has both of those attributes, and if people actually noticed others, they would clock him easily.

-

He got bold.

Too bold.

He was serving appetizers, and he offers one to the new guy on the block.

“Care for one?” he asks, eyes timidly looking up, energy nervous.

“Thank you,” New Guy says, and he looks at Tony directly in the eyes. “I appreciate it.”

No one thanks you at events like these.

And no one _looks_ at you.

This was the mistake.

-

His features are unmistakable, Bucky decides. The way his head tilted when he offered the food, the way his eyes look at his, and they’re not used to being looked back at.

It almost fooled him. _Almost._

But most who work for the upper class learn early on from someone or another that you don’t look, even if you know that they won’t spare you the time of day.

He’s tempting the odds, and he’s exactly the kind of person who would do it.

Bucky has Anthony Carbonell’s face memorized, from the surprisingly warm brown eyes to the way he walks away.

-

Tony has blown this mission. He knows it. He fucking knows that SHIELD knows who he is right now.

He texts Pepper, incorrect grammar and everything:

**tell guy job is over. i can refund him for inconvenience.**

_what do you mean, over?_

**been had. :(**

_i don’t like that that’s your reaction. but get out of there, whatever means necessary. i can’t get you out of there until tomorrow morning, or i lose the deposit on your room._

**srsly???????**

_yes, seriously. the woman who let us rent it was very specific about two-day-stay. in the mean time, maybe grab a bottle of wine or something. how are you going to escape?_

****well...** **

_don’t you dare!!!!!!!!_ -

Arson is an art that has to be carefully done, if you were wondering. You can just decide to do it, but you need to have some experience for it.

Tony has. Kind of.

He has a matchbook from a local hotel that he went into, and it’s been tucked into a pocket of his pants, and he is currently debating if he can actually finish the job or not.

“Is arson always your first answer?”

Shit.

“Uh, smoke break?” Tony asks, knowing that it’s a Very Stupid Excuse because he doesn’t have any cigarettes.

“Be real with yourself,” Barnes says. “You also have a very unfortunate British accent, as in it sounds terrible.”

“My apologies if I didn’t work on it,” Tony says. “I’ve been too busy with...other things. Speaking of which, you’re new to SHIELD, aren’t you?”

“You’re my first mission.”

“How unfortunate.”

“And why is that?”

Tony smiles at him, and it’s disarming how genuine it looks. How genuine it is. (Bucky’s been able to spot a fake smile since he was seven and his mother let Mormons into their house. He knows a lot of things.)

“Well, darling dearest, I’m going to make my escape.”

“And you’re saying I can’t find you?”

“Oh, you’ll find me. You’ll see me _everywhere_.”

Tony then proceeds to kiss the ever-living hell out of Barnes.

It is probably the best kiss of his life, honestly.

And it leaves him dazed.

Dazed enough that Tony only has a light jogging-pace as he makes his escape, stealing one of the various Rolls Royce cars that is parked underneath a brilliantly-lit lamp.

-

Bucky keeps thinking about that line, about seeing him everywhere.

He doesn’t know what it means. He describes Anthony Carbonell to a sketch artist, they ask around, and then there’s Friday.

Friday.

It’s the day everything becomes clearer and yet infinitely more complicated, because Anthony was right.

Tony Stark is dedicated to a more “transparent’ image for his company. He’s stepped into the limelight, and all the attention is on him. Everyone in the _world_ is stalking his every move.

It’s smart. Bold and risky if any former clients have seen his face, although Bucky has no doubt that he has enough money to make sure they go away quietly.

It means that he can’t be touched. For at least one year, maybe two.

God, it’s smart. Be so well-known that even the secret agencies would be found if they even attempted to reach you.

-

Pepper thinks Tony is God’s Given Idiot.

Arson probably would have been the better choice. It’s not like the building didn’t have insurance, and it’s not like the fire would have lasted for that long.

Instead, Tony has decided to make himself internationally known and request a meeting with the guy who could have ended his career, and still could if he talked to the right people.

-

Sam (thinks) knows that Bucky is God’s Given Idiot.

He agrees to the fucking meeting.

It’s a well-known, public restaurant. It means that Barnes is going to be well-known, or at least photographed from an angle that’s unflattering.

He should’ve debated, should have fought for a secluded place, or at least somewhere on their turf. God, that would’ve been an iota smarter.

-

They both sit down. Peruse a menu that neither are interested in.

Bucky is wondering what the procedure is on leftovers. And if he’s paying for his own bill in this. He was invited, but with everything going on, he’s not sure.

Tony sits across from him. Tony, with a now-distinctive goatee, an easy elegance, and a satisfied look in his eyes.

“You amaze me, James.”

“Bucky.”

“I refuse to call you that out of respect for humanity.”

“I don’t answer to James.”

“Then what about another nickname, hm?” Tony asks.

“Like what?”

“Take your pick. You could be honey, darling, or love. Or something more creative, although if it’s kinky, I’d like it in writing before I refer to you in public with that, so-”

“James is fine.”

“Knew it would be,” Tony says smugly. “So. Let’s talk about the fact that you know my dirty little secret.”

“I wouldn’t call it ‘little’, would you?”

“It’s a hobby.”

“Rich people steal shit as a hobby?”

“Usually not with my methods, but yes,” Tony says. “They usually do it with the careful guidance of the IRS or some shit.”

Bucky does a little laugh at that one.

Their waiter comes out, jovially asks how their day is going.

“Oh it’s going _magnificently,_ ” Tony says, peering up through violet-tinted glasses. “How is yours...Lincoln?”

“Brilliant,” Lincoln responds with a large smile. “What can I get you to drink? Our seasonal cocktail is _to die for_ , and if you’re not in the mood for a cocktail, the cider is simply divine...”

It’s mundane conversation.

Tony Stark is a thief who goes by (went by?) Anthony Carbonell, and he’s listening to Lincoln the Waiter talk about seasonal drinks and desserts.

It’s kind of...grounding. Also odd.

“And for you?”

Bucky fumbles with the menu.

“Uh...water? With lemon?”

“Refreshingly good choice,” Lincoln says, grinning. “I’ll be right back with those, you two catch up on whatever you need to catch up.”

Bucky nods, turning to Tony with an eyebrow raised.

“So, what _do_ we need to catch up on?”

“Well for one, you need to use my name. It’s Tony, and I’m betting it sounds heavenly coming from you.”

Bucky’s eyes widen a fraction.

“Alright. Tony. What do you need to talk about?”

“Keeping our little secret a secret.”

“I’ve already told others about you.”

“Who?” Tony asks sharply.

Lincoln comes back with their drinks, asks if they need more time to decide.

Bucky just goes for it and orders a plate of mini quiche-things that he’s not exactly sure he’ll like. Tony orders something with a perfect accent, because of course he does.

“You do this often?”

“Go out to eat? On special occasions, and every other Friday.”

“Tell me what you want.”

“Touchy, touchy,” Tony says, unfolding his napkin. “But I...have a deal for you.”

“And why should I take it?”

“Because it’s going to benefit SHIELD in the long-run,” Tony says. “And they’re all about benefits, if the rumors hold up against them.”

“And what rumors have you heard?”

“I’ve heard plenty, although I seem to recall one about a flooded pipeline and a Broadway performance being improvised.”

Bucky shakes his head.

“Not true? Damn...”

Tony looks around the restaurant before his eyes meet with the captivating ones across the table.

“I have a secret identity. So do you.”

“And we’re against each other, aren’t we?”

“Only sometimes,” Tony says. “I essentially steal shit because it’s either random or has a purpose.”

“And the miniature job you pulled was what, part of a scheme?”

“Hell no,” Tony says. “A farmer in Montana wanted to see if I could do it because the face vaguely reminded him of his great-grandmother. I also, as a principle, try to steal as much shit from England as possible.”

That’s funny, so he laughs.

“And what do you want from me?” Bucky asks.

“Oh my darling dearest, I want a _lot_ of things from you,” Tony leers. “I only want one thing from SHIELD. I want them to keep my identity secret without any strings attached.”

“It doesn’t work like that.”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t say that.”

“Well, it is what it is,” Bucky says. “I’m not gonna get you what you want, but I think you knew that. That’s why I’m out here dining with you, and I’ll be in the magazines for what, about a week?”

“And notoriety for all time,” Tony says. “Your face is known, or at least on the internet. You should be prepared for people to ask you to model, by the way. God knows that you could kill it on the runway.”

Bucky is amused.

“Aw, you think?”

“Of course I do. No one is gifted with that amount of shock in their eyes and goes on life being normal.”

“My, how flattering you are,” Bucky says.

Lincoln brings their food. Tells them that they can take their time, but there’s the bill.

“You know who I need to talk to,” Tony says.

“Maybe I do,” Bucky answers, evasive as possible.

“I know you got hired for skills, but if it was for lying, then this is child’s play,” Tony says.

Bucky rolls his eyes.

“It wasn’t for lying. It was because if I was about two hundred feet away, I could shoot your right pupil out and you wouldn’t even know.”

“You think I don’t have my own tech encircling the city?”

“No,” Bucky answers.

Tony stops sipping on his cider.

“Explain yourself, blue-eyed wonder.”

"Because if you’re found out, it destroys every single reputation you’re going to have to build from the start, and the climb to the top is too delicate for that.”

Tony sits back.

“I’m impressed.”

“Don’t be,” Bucky says. “But you’re going to want to meet my boss. I’ll take you to him some time this week, if you need. Or he can meet you.”

“I doubt he’ll be able to.”

-

Okay so maybe Tony shouldn’t have said that, because there is a man with an eye-patch and a truly impressive trench-coat sitting in his office chair.

“If that’s supposed to be an intimidation tactic, that’s what I learned for my ninth birthday with dear ole’ dad,” Tony says. “Literally none of them work on me.”

“Then change your ‘visitor’ chairs, they’re damn uncomfortable,” the man says. “My name is Director Fury.”

“Any first name?”

“None that you need to know. Barnes told me that you wanted to talk to me about a deal.”

“I don’t do deals.”

“And yet you run a business.”

“Noted,” Tony says, leaning on the window. “So. I want to keep doing what I do, and I want you guys to butt out of it.”

“And why would we do that?”

“Because it’s technically only making rich people sad,” Tony says. “And the occasional museum, but oh well. And, I can easily make your life worse.”

“You think I haven’t been threatened before?”

“Oh I know you have, what with your sparkling personality and charm,” Tony says. “But I’m threatening the whole of SHIELD. I have been in the dark for a long time, Fury, and as much as you hate to admit it, you don’t know half of what I can do. The only thing people really know is that I’m a genius and so was my father, but _nothing_ else. Neat, isn’t it?”

Fury doesn’t say anything for a moment.

“What’s your deal?”

“Glad to know you know what I can do for you,” Tony says. “I can provide security and make sure that every single person has the latest technological updates. I have one stipulation: I get to make Barnes a new arm.”

“That’s your only condition?”

“Oh, you’ll be grateful it’s the only thing I’m asking for,” Tony says. “Believe me, I’ll still be annoying. I can promise you that.”

Fury looks at him carefully. Tony Stark is still a mystery, although he seems to overestimate himself. Or how much Fury can actually see about people.

“Why Barnes’ arm?”

“Why not?” Tony asks. “After all, he deserves an arm that looks as nice as he does.”

“No in-work relationships.”

“Consider me not an employee,” Tony says.

“Then you’re not on the payroll.”

“I don’t have to be paid to get what I want to get,” he remarks.

Fury gets up from the chair (he’ll make a note to Maria: he needs something like it soon) and gives Tony a pointed look at the doorway.

“You sure about this?”

Tony’s eyes gleam.

“Are you sure _you’re_ ready?”

-

Director Fury is not ready. Tony shows up in floral-printed shirts and makes sure to blast rock music wherever he goes, or worse, metal.

Barnes has never had a good poker face, which is why he’s the sharpshooter. Damned man turns to goo whenever the billionaire struts onto their property.

But he’s happy about his office chair.


End file.
